Sorry. Thank you.
Small words that, when genuine, can have a
mighty impact.
As we witness the fall-out from the exam
grades debacle, and the inevitable blame-game, I’ve been thinking a lot about
people’s responses when things go wrong.
Elton John
put it simply in 1976 when he sang, ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word to
say’. And it still seems to be true in many cases today
The
education secretary has said he is ‘incredibly sorry for the distress’ that has
been caused, but he hasn’t apologised for having caused it. I’m not making any
political points here, as we can all appreciate how challenging it is at the
moment and mistakes are things we’re all likely to make. But I do struggle to
understand why people find it so hard, having messed up, to not immediately
apologise and admit they got it wrong.
Saying
sorry is about taking responsibility and showing that you appreciate the impact
your actions have had, but it is also about saying ‘What can I do to make
things right?’
Our board had a session this week on the
feedback from our ‘appreciative enquiry’. The enquiry was about identifying what has worked well for you during the
pandemic, as well as what we could have done differently, so we can build on
the strengths, possibilities, and successes.
There was a lot of feedback about things that
worked, but also about areas we can improve which we will totally take on
board. One of the key things you fed back was that there should have been much
more executive director visibility, especially at the profoundly difficult
height of the pandemic in April, and this is clearly an area where we need to
say ‘sorry, we got it wrong.’
It’s
difficult to hear criticism, but so important to see it as constructive
feedback and not be defensive. If we’re tempted to explain, justify or defend
our actions, then it’s not really an apology at all. A defence is often an
abdication of responsibility, and some would say that ‘non-apology apologies’ are worse than no apology at all. Even if we talk
about reasons, we must still own our failure.
Some leaders think of apologising as a sign of weakness or, worse,
indecisiveness or a lack of confidence or courage. We all have to get
over ourselves. Not admitting a mistake is a
bigger mistake.
The best way to apologise is by letting go of our
egos, speaking as soon as the time is right and holding ourselves accountable. We need to do solid
post mortems on tough situations so we can figure out what happened, what we
could have done to avoid things that didn’t work, and then figure out how to
not let it happen again. But I like the language of the ‘appreciative enquiry’.
It is about asking tough and direct questions, but in a way that is kind and
non-judgemental, and from a place of curiosity and appreciation.
What we
find may be personally hard to hear, but when we own a situation and apologise
for our role in it, being as specific as we can, then our apology means more
and makes us much more effective as leaders moving forward. No one has ever
choked by swallowing their pride and admitting they were wrong!
So, quite simply, our learning from our
initial response to the pandemic is that myself and the exec director team
should have done more service visits through this time. Not for assurance
checking, but to show we were ‘with you’. The same goes for being in Trust HQ,
to show colleagues who were still working there that we were also with them and
supporting them in a very obvious way.
We have heard you and we hope we are now
taking more of the right actions to support you. Apologies
aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.
We also want to show our gratitude, which is
where the second powerful and positive word comes in; thank you.
Some people might think thank you “goes without saying” or that a pay
check is the
thank you. It’s simply not the case. There’s never a downside to expressing
gratitude when it’s been earned with good work or kindness. You need to hear
it; you need to feel it.
I
know there have been countless thank yous from countless corners
throughout this time, but we hope our ‘Great Big Thank You’ week provides an
opportunity for our board to stand up and shout it from the rooftops. To explicitly say thank you to every single one of you.
If we are committed to an open culture,
saying ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ needs to be part of the daily fabric of our
relationships.
Best wishes,
Claire
You can follow me on social media @ClaireMolloy2
