Small words, mighty impact

Sorry. Thank you.

Small words that, when genuine, can have a mighty impact.

As we witness the fall-out from the exam grades debacle, and the inevitable blame-game, I’ve been thinking a lot about people’s responses when things go wrong.

Elton John put it simply in 1976 when he sang, ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say’. And it still seems to be true in many cases today

The education secretary has said he is ‘incredibly sorry for the distress’ that has been caused, but he hasn’t apologised for having caused it. I’m not making any political points here, as we can all appreciate how challenging it is at the moment and mistakes are things we’re all likely to make. But I do struggle to understand why people find it so hard, having messed up, to not immediately apologise and admit they got it wrong.

Saying sorry is about taking responsibility and showing that you appreciate the impact your actions have had, but it is also about saying ‘What can I do to make things right?’

Our board had a session this week on the feedback from our ‘appreciative enquiry’. The enquiry was about identifying what has worked well for you during the pandemic, as well as what we could have done differently, so we can build on the strengths, possibilities, and successes.

There was a lot of feedback about things that worked, but also about areas we can improve which we will totally take on board. One of the key things you fed back was that there should have been much more executive director visibility, especially at the profoundly difficult height of the pandemic in April, and this is clearly an area where we need to say ‘sorry, we got it wrong.’

It’s difficult to hear criticism, but so important to see it as constructive feedback and not be defensive. If we’re tempted to explain, justify or defend our actions, then it’s not really an apology at all. A defence is often an abdication of responsibility, and some would say that ‘non-apology apologies’ are worse than no apology at all. Even if we talk about reasons, we must still own our failure.

Some leaders think of apologising as a sign of weakness or, worse, indecisiveness or a lack of confidence or courage. We all have to get over ourselves. Not admitting a mistake is a bigger mistake.

The best way to apologise is by letting go of our egos, speaking as soon as the time is right and holding ourselves accountable. We need to do solid post mortems on tough situations so we can figure out what happened, what we could have done to avoid things that didn’t work, and then figure out how to not let it happen again. But I like the language of the ‘appreciative enquiry’. It is about asking tough and direct questions, but in a way that is kind and non-judgemental, and from a place of curiosity and appreciation.

What we find may be personally hard to hear, but when we own a situation and apologise for our role in it, being as specific as we can, then our apology means more and makes us much more effective as leaders moving forward. No one has ever choked by swallowing their pride and admitting they were wrong!

So, quite simply, our learning from our initial response to the pandemic is that myself and the exec director team should have done more service visits through this time. Not for assurance checking, but to show we were ‘with you’. The same goes for being in Trust HQ, to show colleagues who were still working there that we were also with them and supporting them in a very obvious way.

We have heard you and we hope we are now taking more of the right actions to support you. Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.

We also want to show our gratitude, which is where the second powerful and positive word comes in; thank you.

Some people might think thank you “goes without saying” or that a pay check is the thank you. It’s simply not the case. There’s never a downside to expressing gratitude when it’s been earned with good work or kindness. You need to hear it; you need to feel it.

I know there have been countless thank yous from countless corners throughout this time, but we hope our ‘Great Big Thank You’ week provides an opportunity for our board to stand up and shout it from the rooftops. To explicitly say thank you to every single one of you.

If we are committed to an open culture, saying ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ needs to be part of the daily fabric of our relationships. 

Best wishes,

Claire

You can follow me on social media @ClaireMolloy2